Sunday, July 13, 2008

Spool's Out

This is a little gem from Best of Craigslist, which I highly recommend browsing as a great way to not be doing other things. My favorite sentence is in bold.

Date: 2008-05-05, 10:01AM EDT

I have a large spool i would like removed from my property.

I no longer have any need for said spool due to coming home from work several hours early and finding my wife on top of said spool with another man.

If you have any need for this spool email me and I will send you the address for the spool. You may come pick up the spool at any time. No questions asked. No need to call ahead. No need to dress up or clean your truck up because it will only be you and the spools out there.

You pull up, load the spool, and leave. The spool in question is marked with a red X. You may only take this spool. I want to keep the rest of them.

The original post is here. And here's the rest of Best of Craigslist. In one of them, which I didn't want to cite because I am a lady, a dude writes an open letter to his mom expressing his upset at the fact that she responded to his "College Stud Needs a MILF - m4w" ads. This confirms what I already believed to be true: there is no elegant way to adapt Oedipus Rex for the Internet age. Cross that one off the list!

When you say "spool" a bunch of times in a row, your mouth starts to think it's not a real word anymore.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Games People Play

Dear Rockstar Games,

We have invented a video game for your video game company. We think your core consumer group will like playing it.

It is called Grand Theft: Ottoman. It is a first-person thief game. In it, the player steals ottomans of increasing size from wealthier and wealthier homes. In this way, he builds an empire.

This game combines all the danger of stealing with all the social commentary of Edward Said's Orientalism. And all the fun of a good footstool! Frankly, sirs, you would have to be basically retarded to pass this up.

We look forward to discussing the possibilities with you.

Signed respectfully and sincerely yours,
Hillary and Alexandria

Sunday, March 30, 2008

A list of demands

From the Columbia College Course Bulletin:
(1991) Awarded to a graduating senior in Columbia College who has written a single piece or a body of work so distinguished in its originality of concept and excellence of execution that it fairly demands the award, support, and recognition the prize intends.

We decided to write a body of work that fairly demands the award.

Poem 1: Variation on a theme by T. S. Eliot

April is the cruellest month!
Unless it is the month in which
You give me the Karen Osney Brownstein Writing Prize!

Poem 1a: Variation on a different theme by T. S. Eliot

Let us go, then, you and I,
To the bank to cash my check.

Poem 2: Variation on a theme by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I...
I took the one that was more likely to get me this prize.

Poem 2a: Variation on a different theme by Robert Frost

Whose prize this is I think I know.
It is mine.

Poem 3: Variation on a theme by Dr. William Carlos Williams

so much depends upon
me getting this

Poem 4: Variation on a theme by Emily Dickinson

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you -- the awards committee?
In that case -- I am somebody.

Poem 5: Variation on a theme by e. e. cummings

i carry your award with me
(i carry it in my trophy case)

Poem 6: Variation on a theme by William Shakespeare
Oh, what a piece of work is a man!
Oh, what a body of work is this!
I would vouchsafe to say that it fairly demands the award!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Bearly Breathing

These are the names that some people we know would have if they were bears.

Alex Beaaronson

Dan D’Abbeario

Tom Beare

Jennie Rose Halbearin

Sasha Beart

Amanda Sebbear

Elizabear Simins

Liz Varnbear

Brendon Bearzard

Rebearcca Evans

Oriana Magbeara

Yelena Bearster

Alex Weinbearg

Gizem Orbear

Kate Redbear

Amanda Bearickson

Justin Bear (Justin Grace)

Noam Prywes.

- Hillary Bearsis and Alex Symbear

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Professional Connections

There is someone on this list with a very special name.

It is Ms. Panda Barber.

That is my dream job.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Hello, Internet.

Surprise, Alex! I posted something!

I guess it's not a total surprise, since you're probably only looking at this because I told you I had updated it.

Last night, I went to Cage Match at the UCB with the usual suspects. We made a rule that from now on, any time someone mentions a show that aired on Nickelodeon in the '90s, they have to drink a whole bottle of whiskey.

If I obeyed that rule for reals, I would be dead several times over.