This One Time

This one time, Hillary and I were just having drinks at the Waldorf, which is something we often do.*

When Hillary and I go to fancy places, we often like to check out their fancy bathrooms. It's something of a ritual. The toilet paper they give us at college is one-ply. Just a single ply! So we know how to really appreciate the finer things, bathroom-wise.

When we got to the Waldorf's bathroom, there was a sitting area with fancy chairs of the finest Oriental silk, and everything was gold-plated (everything). This sitting area exists because there is a very short staircase (maybe four stairs) upwards to where the actual bathrooms are. A fancy, classy lady with a delicate constitution might get tired and need a sit before she can climb them.

Hillary and I are very fancy, classy ladies.

As such, we made full use of the sitting area, and pretended to be fancy British ladies. A transcript, taken by one of our servants:


1. Tell me, what do you think of the Count?
2. Why, of late I've found him quite rude! I say, if he does not learn to keep his manner in check, he shan't be invited to my manor... a-gayn!

Then we heard a flush coming from one of the private bathrooms. We'd thought we were alone, and this was surprising and embarrassing.

When we worked up the courage to return, we were again drawn by the magnetism of the fancy, silky chairs. We knew we couldn't be British again — what if the woman from before was still there? But we soon found a solution.



2. Que pense-tu au sujet du Comte?
1. Oh! Honh honh honh!

We worked up the nerve to make our way toward the private bathrooms. We wanted to continue playing Fancy Ladies, but we had run out of languages we knew. Unless we wanted to be ancient Roman ladies, because Hillary took Latin, but who even wants to be an ancient Roman lady? I have it on good authority that they aren't even that fancy. So instead, we decided to fake it.

2. Der spriechen der Comzenhimzen!!
1. OCH!! Inzer der haufzen!!!

After we had accomplished our bathroomly duties — I will not go into much detail, because I am a lady of modesty in addition to fanciness, but suffice it to say that there were many plies to be had, and it was disappointing to return that evening to our one-ply existence — we emerged from the bathrooms. I thought the game was over, so it was a pleasant surprise to find out that Hillary knew there was one more kind of fancy lady I hadn't even considered!

1. Sing hai Samurai-san?

Then I laughed for about a year, and that is the story of how Hillary and I got kicked out of the Waldorf.*



*A few things in this story are exaggerated. The important things are real.

Games People Play

Dear Rockstar Games,

We have invented a video game for your video game company. We think your core consumer group will like playing it.

It is called Grand Theft: Ottoman. It is a first-person thief game. In it, the player steals ottomans of increasing size from wealthier and wealthier homes. In this way, he builds an empire.

This game combines all the danger of stealing with all the social commentary of Edward Said's Orientalism. And all the fun of a good footstool! Frankly, sirs, you would have to be basically retarded to pass this up.



We look forward to discussing the possibilities with you.

Signed respectfully and sincerely yours,
Hillary and Alexandria

A list of demands

From the Columbia College Course Bulletin:

KAREN OSNEY BROWNSTEIN WRITING PRIZE
(1991) Awarded to a graduating senior in Columbia College who has written a single piece or a body of work so distinguished in its originality of concept and excellence of execution that it fairly demands the award, support, and recognition the prize intends.

We decided to write a body of work that fairly demands the award.

Poem 1: Variation on a theme by T. S. Eliot

April is the cruellest month!
Unless it is the month in which
You give me the Karen Osney Brownstein Writing Prize!

Poem 1a: Variation on a different theme by T. S. Eliot

Let us go, then, you and I,
To the bank to cash my check.

Poem 2: Variation on a theme by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I...
I took the one that was more likely to get me this prize.

Poem 2a: Variation on a different theme by Robert Frost

Whose prize this is I think I know.
It is mine.

Poem 3: Variation on a theme by Dr. William Carlos Williams

so much depends upon
me getting this
award

Poem 4: Variation on a theme by Emily Dickinson

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you -- the awards committee?
In that case -- I am somebody.

Poem 5: Variation on a theme by e. e. cummings

i carry your award with me
(i carry it in my trophy case)

Poem 6: Variation on a theme by William Shakespeare
Oh, what a piece of work is a man!
Oh, what a body of work is this!
I would vouchsafe to say that it fairly demands the award!

Bearly Breathing

These are the names that some people we know would have if they were bears.

Alex Beaaronson

Dan D’Abbeario

Tom Beare

Jennie Rose Halbearin

Sasha Beart

Amanda Sebbear

Elizabear Simins

Liz Varnbear

Brendon Bearzard

Rebearcca Evans

Oriana Magbeara

Yelena Bearster

Alex Weinbearg

Gizem Orbear

Kate Redbear

Amanda Bearickson

Justin Bear (Justin Grace)

Noam Prywes.

- Hillary Bearsis and Alex Symbear

A sad admission

Apparently we are not the only ones to have considered the winsome possibility of dinosaur/giraffe friendship and... just maybe... love. Has this so-called "duD Lawson" been reading our minds?

We regret that this t-shirt came out before Untitled Holland/Moon Dinosaur Project has entered development; though not before its premise was conceived. However, if done correctly, the shirt's existence could make the start of a great guerrilla marketing campaign! Of course, Holland/Moon Dinosaur Project is on the back burner for awhile until Rusty Stapler gets through the production cycle, which is a shame.

Meanwhile, I am going to buy one of the shirts, because they are adorable.