Thursday, March 19, 2009

This One Time

This one time, Hillary and I were just having drinks at the Waldorf, which is something we often do.*

When Hillary and I go to fancy places, we often like to check out their fancy bathrooms. It's something of a ritual. The toilet paper they give us at college is one-ply. Just a single ply! So we know how to really appreciate the finer things, bathroom-wise.

When we got to the Waldorf's bathroom, there was a sitting area with fancy chairs of the finest Oriental silk, and everything was gold-plated (everything). This sitting area exists because there is a very short staircase (maybe four stairs) upwards to where the actual bathrooms are. A fancy, classy lady with a delicate constitution might get tired and need a sit before she can climb them.

Hillary and I are very fancy, classy ladies.

As such, we made full use of the sitting area, and pretended to be fancy British ladies. A transcript, taken by one of our servants:

1. Tell me, what do you think of the Count?
2. Why, of late I've found him quite rude! I say, if he does not learn to keep his manner in check, he shan't be invited to my manor... a-gayn!

Then we heard a flush coming from one of the private bathrooms. We'd thought we were alone, and this was surprising and embarrassing.

When we worked up the courage to return, we were again drawn by the magnetism of the fancy, silky chairs. We knew we couldn't be British again — what if the woman from before was still there? But we soon found a solution.

2. Que pense-tu au sujet du Comte?
1. Oh! Honh honh honh!

We worked up the nerve to make our way toward the private bathrooms. We wanted to continue playing Fancy Ladies, but we had run out of languages we knew. Unless we wanted to be ancient Roman ladies, because Hillary took Latin, but who even wants to be an ancient Roman lady? I have it on good authority that they aren't even that fancy. So instead, we decided to fake it.

2. Der spriechen der Comzenhimzen!!
1. OCH!! Inzer der haufzen!!!

After we had accomplished our bathroomly duties — I will not go into much detail, because I am a lady of modesty in addition to fanciness, but suffice it to say that there were many plies to be had, and it was disappointing to return that evening to our one-ply existence — we emerged from the bathrooms. I thought the game was over, so it was a pleasant surprise to find out that Hillary knew there was one more kind of fancy lady I hadn't even considered!

1. Sing hai Samurai-san?

Then I laughed for about a year, and that is the story of how Hillary and I got kicked out of the Waldorf.*

*A few things in this story are exaggerated. The important things are real.


brendon said...

I do love this story.

The boy bathrooms at the Waldorf (as seen on the same trip) are silly - full-length urinal mirrors! Chandeliers! But not as insane as I had predicted, you know, given the fact that it's the Waldorf.

Apparently Brangelina hang out at that bar - so say your parents.

KingNuma said...

I hope you stole some soap....

Artful Stew said...


Even Nate's $0.99 6-pack of toilet paper has more than a single ply. I'm just sayin'...

CosmoShane said...

I thought I was the only one that was fascinated by fancy bathrooms in NYC. I feel a lengthy series to be published in Spec coming on...

Noam said...

Remember that stupid drink I ordered at the bar that they'd never heard of, Slivovitz? well I had some last night with my grandfather, the Prywes home is better stocked than the Waldorf

joy.resmovits said...

I was thinking about this when I met up with some friends and we decided to get tea in the Plaza ($10 a small-ish kettle!). Anyway, the point is, you should blog more because you are funny.